I told myself way in advance to only start studying/revising & doing homework in December. How time really flies. It was the last play day I had yesterday. Its now all down to mugging for "O"s. I've actually been subconsciously looking forward to this day. Kinda missed studying, though i can't believe i actually do.
Now, what do I have to cut down on? Lots. I'll definitely be going online much lesser now, perhaps only thrice a week? ya. And goodness, this one is darn tough. I have to stop listening to 共和国 so frequently. I'll have to only hear it when i go online, i guess, cos i can't listen to music and study. I must not be tempted. Well, these take up most of my time, so it'll be it for now. Also, i won't be blogging so often now.
Parents do play a big role in the upbringing of their children right? If only there was a fixed way to bring kids up... I dunno if I should be blogging about this. I ain't a person who blogs about their innermost feelings. I guess, this would be a stepping stone? Haha. All these years, I've been bottling it up inside the very deep and usually untapped corner of my heart. Favouritism. Biased. Comparison. Competition. Which of these have you not experienced before? Of course everyone has got a taste of whats it like. But only everywhere outside your home right? Not me. Yes, I have been a victim in school, in class, but never did i see it ever coming to my home. The pain is heartwrenching, its choking but I'm not able to spit it out cos its happening to me, from the people with the closest blood relation I have. From family. I know, not every child is born smart, is hardworking. But aren't parents supposed to encourage and acknowledge every child they have be it smart or not? Each child has their own weakness and strengh. They're different individuals. You can't compare them with each other. Yes, I've done many run-of-the-mill things which, is no fight for the things my other siblings could do. Why must you compare me with siblings? I know I'm not what you would like me to be, but i do have a voice to speak for myself, a brain to think for myself. I'm entitled to my options and my life that i'll like to lead. Can't you just encourage me to be the best of what I can be and not use siblings as a guage? You really don't know how much this hurts my self-esteem. Stop putting me down and saying " you're the worst of the three of you. Think you're really better than them? Prove it! Can't? Don't talk! "
Perhaps this was just some passing remarks you made, but no, you emphasised it to me too many times to be just a remark. I don't think I'll prove you wrong, but i'll prove myself wrong. I'll just go ahead with my goal in mind, study hard and achieve it with much gusto of which, is unheard of to you. I don't care how good my siblings' are. You have already poked a hole in my heart, but I'm not going to give up that easily. At least i have relatives support even if i dun have yours. That corner in my heart has been the centre of your critics. It still hurts whenever tampered with. You have succeeded in rubbing at my wound. I won't deny. That dark/shadowed part has and will always stay with me. There's no medicine to heal it. But I now come out stronger than i'd ever imagine. I still won't change who i used to be. I'm still me. But you still and will never know my dark side. You had a glance but not the feel. I'm now more emotionally stronger than you knew i ever was.
Too bad you can't cut open my heart to see the invisible contents inside. I won't let you. I don't want you too. Thats why i had shut up. This is the only place i'll rant it all out. Comparing thats all you care. With whoever you can compare, you do with me. You didn't know it has such adverse effects, do you? You didn't know i'll suffer, having my confidence dipping right to a negative right? But well, it ain't that bad either. I'm getting stronger, not weaker.
Labels: victim